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MA/BA Art school checklist.

This works like bird spotting. I have compiled a check-list of works I expect to see whilst wondering through any art-school BA or MA show in London.

1. Photography:
(a) Depressing industrial landscape.
(b) Up-close portraits of people with no make-up on looking very serious. Usually 6ft high and back-lit.
(c) Photographs of trans-gender or androgynous people (ooh...is that a boy or a girl?)

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Animals of the UK - Bayleaf the donkey

Hello. I'm going to try and introduce to you some of the animals of the UK that I encounter. You can call me twee, but I don't really give a fuck. Because one of the only times I feel truly calm is when amongst the natural world and non-humans.

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When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro

The White Rabbit is a fictional character in Lewis Carroll's book Alice in Wonderland. He appears at the very beginning of the book, in chapter one, wearing a waistcoat, and muttering "Oh dear! Oh dear! I shall be too late!" Alice follows him down the rabbit hole into Wonderland. The Rabbit shows up again in the last two chapters, as a herald-like servant of the King and Queen of Hearts.

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We've gone on holiday by mistake

... and some other quotes from rather a good film. If you can name it, I'll buy you a drink. Just one, mind you.

• We want the finest wines available to humanity, we want them here, and we want them now.

• I feel like a pig shat in my head.

• I must have some booze. I demand to have some booze.

• I want something's flesh.

• Don't threaten me with a dead fish.

• I'm going to pull your head off, because I don't like your head.

• I have a heart condition. If you hit me, it's murder.

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Macavity - The Mystery Cat

a poem by T S Eliot

Macavity's a Mystery Cat: he's called the Hidden Paw -
For he's the master criminal who can defy the Law.
He's the bafflement of Scotland Yard, the Flying Squad's despair:
For when they reach the scene of crime - Macavity's not there!

Macavity, Macavity, there's no one like Macavity,
He's broken every human law, he breaks the law of gravity.
His powers of levitation would make a fakir stare,
And when you reach the scene of crime - Macavity's not there!
You may seek him in the basement, you may look up in the air -

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Grunts for the Arts - Sports Day 26 May

It's time to face up to the inevitable. Time to acknowledge the true nature of what we face. Time to stare at the naked forces of life.

We will have to lay down the pens and the paintbrushes. Have to buy sports shower gel and knee supports. We will have to turn off the computers, the studio lights and the PA systems. I-Pods and pedometers will be turned on. Some us will even need to buy sports bras.

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