Diane Chorley, aka the Duchess of Canvey, once ran 'The Flick', a devillishly glamorous nightclub in the 80s, sought after by the celebrity elite. However, a turbulent family past led her to resort to a life of crime, inevitably leading to her incarceration. Now, Diane is back with her old band, The Buffet, to regale you with tales of life in the Big House accompanied by a heartfelt ballad or four...

I caught up with Diane to learn more from a woman who can count Stewart Lee amongst her many fans:

Your biography is certainly a lot more interesting than most. Do you have any regrets about becoming involved in criminal activity at such a young age? Do you feel like you missed out on your adolescence?

I’ve ran me own world famous nightclub before I hit my twenties. Served Chicken Kievs to the likes of Barrymore, Jagger and Lynam. Signed the most lucrative advertising deal in history to become the face of HP Sauce. How could you regret that? I’m not proud of the drugs, but with my mum serving life for the murder of my father (he was having an affair with a chiropodist from Billericay) and having to look after my little brother Wayne, I didn’t have a choice. I did more by the time I was 25 than most people do in a lifetime. No regrets.

How has your past influenced both your personality now and your performing style? Is there a certain therapeutic quality to talking about your life on stage?

I recently had an audience member in Cleethorpes thinking it was okay to grab a feel of my lower calf muscle. If there’s one thing you learn in prison, it’s to shut down unwanted advances early with an exaggerated act of violence. I’m obviously now aware that I’m no longer in prison and I’m very grateful to Nigel for not pressing charges.  

How has the entertainment industry changed from the 80s?

Everyone’s ever so polite these days. It was becoming tedious trying to teach people good manners in the 80s.  You’d go into a meeting room full of smoke. These TV executives would be sat there, puffing a juicy Cuban with one hand and trying to tit you up with the other. As Nigel from Cleethorpes will tell you, you can try and touch it once, but you’ll be feeling it for the rest of your life.

Any scandalous celebrity stories from the days of your old club, The Flick, that you can throw our way?

Babe, have you got all day? Lets just say, once you’ve seen Michael Parkinson parading around wearing only a piece of string and a half a tub of butter, you never look at a gammon joint in the same way again.  You’ll have to come to my show for the real grit.

What do you think are the main problems created by the growing influence of the paparazzi these days?

They can’t take a good hiding! They’re too soft! Back in the day, if I was on holiday in Lanzarote and a pap was hiding in Alan’s Irish Bar with a telescopic lens, I spotted them. Then they’re fair game. I’d send Ron (my bodyguard) in with his truncheon. It was good sport back then, these days it's all ‘lawsuit this’ and ‘lawsuit that’. It’s no fun! I mean, you can’t tell what’s true or false anyway. The other day one of The Buffet showed me a picture of that Carol Vordeman riding a Unicorn. I nearly took off I was so amazed! Turns out the computer did it. I fired him straight away for showing me up. 

What would make up an ideal audience for you?

A caged one.

Lastly, can you give us an idea of what's next in your grand performing plans?

My agent Hazel just told me that Putin’s been in touch and wants me to go unplugged in his Red Square.  The money's good but I’d be worried I couldn’t keep my hands off him. That’s the last thing the world needs.  Me and him getting together: it would be like He-Man and She-Ra!

Diane Chorley: Duchess of Canvey plays Soho Theatre, June 15th to 27th. Tickets: 

sohotheatre.com/whats-on/diane-chorley-duchess-of-canvey/