(above: Something else that i omitted, 2009, ink on paper by Zoe Catherine Kendall, www.self-series.blogspot.com)

Tonight I have decided to embrace wholeheartedly the solitude of my single residency. There is much to be learnt and achieved in the brief interludes when one is able to overcome their social nature in pursuit of something more. Here, as with many aspects in life, balance is always key. And so, with little hesitation, I will begin to unravel The Sex-Life Diary of Somebody Else...

“Last night I had sex with a stranger. It was magnificent. I saw this man approaching me over different stages of the evening, I saw something in him as we spoke, saw his want for me. It has left me with some reflections.

I am single, I go to parties and clubs with my friends, usually keeping something of myself back for preservation because I’m not sure how much of myself I want to give away just yet.

I have a strange relationship with sex, housing opposing ideas on what it does for me. I like dominant men, I also like patience, intimacy and respect. There is a Freudian slogan painted on the wall of my living room, 'my lover, my parent.' It may become evident to you that, as a child and as an adult I have experienced difficult relationships with my parents and issues with control.

It is not that I am a control freak so much as that I am unsure when to relinquish control over myself, when to give it up to somebody else. I like to be the guiding force in my own life and to assert will on my direction and consciousness. I know what it feels like to have no control over events and I have experienced this in negative ways. Now as an adult, I have also discovered that there can be a thrill in loosing control of oneself. I mean this in relation to sex more so then drinking or taking drugs, although of course, these things have there place too.

Growing up, I found myself dependant on people who couldn't deliver what I needed as a child. I had to find a sense of self reliance, developing ingenious strategies to cope with situations. I think it was back then that I began painting abstract images all over my internal landscape. Some of these images relate to a troubled vision of the world, others indicate the stirring of passion that a creature has for life, for love, and for all the beauty and mystery of the universe.  

I have vivid memories from my early childhood of absolute love for one of my parents, and then later for the very same parent, concrete memories of the feelings of hatred, anger, lack of control, and an acute recognition of the persevering affect this would have on me. As I progressed into adolescence, despite the conflicts at home, I began to assert more fully my will over life, to experiment with my identity and eventually, my sexuality.

I found myself at times to be promiscuous, perhaps I was searching for something that was lacking in other areas. At the age of sixteen I was able to enter into a relationship, and I can remember being utterly in love. I experienced several serious relationships as I approached my early twenties, but perhaps I was unsure of what I really wanted, and of who I really was. One thing i always knew was that sex needed to form an important part of these realtionships, and that i wanted to feel almost vulnerable in that context, as though some part of my psyche had something to learn from the giving up of control.

After abandoning what had at one time been a very fulfilling dualism with the opposite sex, and finding myself firmly located in my mid twenties, I began on a journey of self reflection and discovery. I found inside myself some very tricky landscapes that needed to be negotiated with the utmost awareness and consideration. Once again I began more consciously to call on those skills of self reliance and ingenuity that I had learnt at an early age in order to conquer what I perceived to be difficult, sometimes traumatic situations, as well as negative states of mind.

I believe in a prevailing will for well-being, health and happiness. These are concepts I am willing to subscribe to. I have never allowed myself to fester too long in feelings of negativity, there is too much living to be done for that, too much will for life. I have of course visited these sorts of places; pain, loss, anger, loneliness. I feel knowingly towards them, as though they were almost a friend and perhaps an enemy.  

[At certain occasions during the writing of this piece, I paused in order to assert my will and control over my current environment, cleaning and tidying the flat, knowing full well that the maintenance of a happy, well ordered space can reflect its properties back on to the mind.]

So as I was saying, last night, a time situated at some point in my mid twenties, after having been single for what I now consider a reasonably significant portion of my adult life, I slept with a stranger. He was clear in his mind about what it was that he wanted and I think I found this quality quite attractive. I was less clear about what I wanted, and thought about the situation as a kind of experiment, knowing very well how experience can be sustenance for the mind of an artist. I didn’t look at him as the kind of person that I could see myself in a relationship with, but I didn’t see why that should stand in the way of what I expected might be a very stimulating encounter. I decided to loose myself a little bit to the night.

As I curled and uncurled in exaltation, I could think only of the physical sensations occupying my existence. He seemed to know something of all recurring themes of control, submission and vulnerabilty that i have often mused upon. Later that day, I slept.

I know I don't want to take part in too many more of these non committal night time activities,  if at all, feeling that for me there is something more to experience in terms of intimacy. That's not to say that I haven’t learnt a significant amount from those few occasions when I have allowed myself to surrender to the urge, including a greater understanding of non attachment and independence.

Perhaps there will be a sort of redemption in the future discovery that dependence can be of equal value, balance of course, always being the key."

[This is not so much about sex as it is about life.]

For more mental deviations visit my blog www.self-series.blogspot.com